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January 22 First interview in Habitat for Humanity & 思南和甜爱 This is the first interview I got for an internship position in Habitat for Humanity China. HFH is an NGO which aims at eliminating substandard housing and homeless. They choose partners in need of safe and decent housing,however can't afford commercial real estate, and organize volunteers to assist the partners to build their own houses. (You may visit http://www.habitatchina.org/e/default_home.asp) There has been a while since I realized experience outside the campus is a best way to get rid of limitations I set for myself as a rigid Chinese student. The interview itself has reprove this point to me, despite scholarships I gained, GPA I struggled for, and certificates I owned, I still felt diffident about me as an employee. Anyway, still hope I can get it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ HFH在思南路上，毗邻田子坊。路名令我想起了”红豆生南国，春来发几枝。愿君多采撷，此物最相思。“不知道是不是这样的来由。 前天和萍走了多伦路和甜爱路，读了一路的古今情诗。上海许多小马路的名字很美，甚至有些许暧昧。 于是又想到了王安忆说的上海弄堂里面弥漫的流言。于是又读了读《长恨歌》开头絮絮叨叨的那段话:这流言里有一个“私”字，这“私”字里头是有一点难言的苦衷。这苦衷不是唐明皇对杨贵妃的那种，也不是楚霸王对虞姬的那种，它不是那种大起大落，可歌可泣，悲天恸地的苦衷，而是狗皮倒灶，牵丝攀藤，粒粒屑屑的。上海的弄堂是藏不住大苦衷的。它的苦衷都是割碎了平均分配的，分到各人名下也就没有多少的。它即便是悲，即便是恸，也是悲在肚子里，恸在肚子里，说不上戏台子去供人观赏，也编不成词曲供人唱的，那是怎么来怎么去都只有自己知道，苦来苦去只苦自己，这也就是那个“私”字的意思，其实也是真正的苦衷的意思。因此，这流言说到底是有一些痛的，尽管痛的不是地方，倒也是钻心钻肺的。这痛都是各人痛各人，没有什么共鸣，也引不起同情，是很孤单的痛。这也是流言的感动之处。流言产生的时刻，其实都是悉心做人的时刻。上海弄堂里的做人，是悉心悉意，全神贯注的做人，眼睛只盯着自己，没有旁骛的。 又瞎想起来了……哎，我认识的上海太少，在夜色里面不禁有点遗憾。那些二三十年代的故事，香艳既香艳矣，我却不是想猎奇，对那浮华之后的罗曼蒂克与刻骨铭心，有些兴趣。还是说，浮华之后只是空洞吗？ January 20 The day of say-it I guess you also have a time when only one sentence is all over your head: say it! say it! say it! Today, I was watching Studio 60 on the sunset strip, my recent favorite TV show, and I'm cheered up since several characters I like expressed their feelings to their beloved ones. This day is like a "say-it day" in that episode. Later I was pondering the plots and stories, I began to say a lot of things to myself. Things like chaos and organization in life, struggle and letting go, independence and interdependence, etc. I have a sense that myself has been blocking me from saying it, that these binaries, or perhaps paradoxes, are not the reason we can't live a satisfying life. I feel a bit relieved. I wanna say it, concerning other aspects and contents of life. I know there will be a proper way and there will be a proper person. Stop anything if you want to, and do anything if you want to. Because everyday is a great day of saying it. January 11 第三种语言 在上大学之前，我只接触过一种语言，那就是直抒胸臆的，课文中，我自己的作文里都会用的那些词语和表述。 刚入门的时候，不管是社会学还是心理学，或许也可以泛化到其它任何学科，都有一种“术语崇拜”的感觉。用一套特定的语言，逻辑描述同样的事物，虽然往往以牺牲环境效度和通俗易懂为代价，却显示出一种专业性和规范性。 所以刚接触心理咨询的时候，模拟咨询的话，总是时不时忍不住想要说出一些“投射”、“退行”这样的字眼，来表示，“我明白了”。这是对症状的一种诊断，做起来有一种医生看病开药的快感。但是这并不代表“我理解你了，我包容你了”，并没有罗杰斯所指的“治愈的力量”。所以我一开始总是难以想象一种“治疗性”关系，觉得有些有心无力。 读Chinese Femininities Chinese Masculinities,更是感觉到一种“术语化”，无穷无尽的，有点绑手绑脚的感觉。譬如：主体性。女作家运用一种主体性显示了一种女性意识的觉醒。我理解上就是以女性为叙事主体 ，用女性的眼光来看世界，把这种原本遭压抑的声音发给更多人的听。不过，我总感觉到，对与术语的一种无力，总是害怕自己没有完全理解它，总想着是不是要了解更多的学术背景和渊源才会理解一个词语所指代的复杂的内容。 这对于阅读和思考都是一种羁绊。而且这与第一种我们用惯了的语言的讲究似乎也是不一样的。那种讲究一是追求精确，二是追求美感。而学术的语言的“专制”在第一种功能上好像也差强人意，第二种更是看不到了。于是就希望有第三种语言，运用可以自如，读起来有意思也不生硬，并且也还是便于学术界的统一和交流。 March 15 the model in you , or maybe in meBeen reviewing Sex and the City in this weekend, the girls are...fascinating. I didn't get the charater of Samantha Jones for the first time I watched this show, but this time I was totally conquered by this remarkable women(
 qoute Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory), she goes out for every possibillity, I mean ,every, any. She could be open to a homosexual relationship, willing to take a shot at every ...men, never, or at least seldom feels diffident, she really enjoys her life which can really be named a feast.As for Carrie Bradshaw, who actually motivated me to write these words down, I just admired her in one episode called the inner model. Catwalking on the runway, she stumbled(indeed humiliating)yet suddenly the other side of the self-- the inner model occured to her ,and thus she shone.
The inner model, the desire to shine,what a treasure is that to life!
Every morning, rise and shine. |
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